A Wiccan Grove

December 18, 2008

Creating your own religion.

Filed under: Articles, clippings, etc.,General Information — ravenbird @ 6:27 pm

So… I was just wondering… If I don’t “make the grade” (as it were) as a
Santerian priestess, maybe I could follow in the footsteps of those who have
solved the problem of “fitting-in” by just creating my own religion! What do
ya think?

I could call it Santerica (sounds like a small Caribbean island, doesn’t
it?), or maybe Wiccaria (I kinda like the sound of this one!).

We could still celebrate the eight seasonal festivals, but instead of Cakes
and Ale, we’d serve fried chicken and expresso (gotta do something with all
those sacrificed chickens… and Obatala doesn’t like alcoholic beverages,

We could still gather in a circle and have a sacred fire, but African drums
and epileptic-type trance dancing would replace the former chants and spiral

Yoruban deities would replace the more familiar Celtic/Greek/Roman/Norse
deities, but their names would be pronounced with a definite Western European
lilt, interspersed with profound moments of Ohm-ing.

The sacred cauldron would be replaced by the sacred prenda. Followers would
be strongly discouraged from attempting to kindle a fire in the sacred
prenda; some things contained within just don’t burn all that well… Don’t ask
“what’s in the prenda?”… It’s a Fifth Degree Wiccaria mystery…

In the spirit of compromise, the athame would be referred to as the
cuchillo, but the chalice would remain the same (as oppose to calling
it a jicuara).
Salt on the altar would be substituted with sugar (since some of the orisha
get kinda antsy with salt), but the bowl of fresh water would be okay, and
candles would be totally cool.

The sacred sage would be substituted for the sacred cigar. Those with
smoking issues would be allowed to obtain face masks before entering the circle.

“Guardians of the Watchtowers” would be replaced with “Ancestors hanging out
in the Corners”. Careful, they spit…

We would keep the Great Rite (duh!), but the Priest and Priestess would
first have to submit to a Misa (to ensure that the Eggun were cool with the
arrangement), and a spiritual bath, and a head cleansing, and a
caracole reading,
and a few obligatory offerings, and a couple of seven day candles lit on
their behalf, and…. Hello? Are they still awake? Heellloooo????

All members of our ileven (a cross between an “ile” and a “coven”) would
receive sacred orisha elekes, made with genuine healing crystals in
place of the
more standard glass beads. In this way, followers could balance their
chakras while pondering the mysteries of the orishas.

In keeping with technology and the New Age, orisha initiations would be
available through on-line courses and mail-order kits. We would accept
all major
credit cards and money orders; personal checks upon pre-approval only.
Sorry, due to federal restrictions, no post office boxes for sacrificial animal
shipments. The Asiento (aka Santo, Kariocha, Ocha, Making the Saint, etc)
initiation kits would include a box of bandaids (since it’s not easy shaving
your own head with a straight razor), as well as assorted bits and pieces of
this and that. We’d tell you what all the stuff was for, but it’s a Fourth
Degree Wiccaria secret… We strongly suggest meditating before attempting to
actually self-initiate, but we’re confident that your totem animals would guide
you through the process.

All cowrie shells (to be used for divination) would be accompanied by “The
Idiot’s Guide to the Caracoles”. Order now and receive also the companion
book, “The Idiot’s Guide to the Obi” (coconut shell divination). Submit proof
of Third Degree Initiation into a Gardnarian or Alexandrian tradition and also
receive, “The Idiot’s Guide to the Opele”.

We would, of course, maintain the tradition of Gatherings! Bring a friend,
and receive a $5.00 discount! Bring a goat, and get half off the gate price!

So… what do ya think? Would it catch on?




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